2013's Accomplish List

At the start of the new year, I decided I was going to take this year to change my body. Well now I think, I need to blog at least the weeks. Recording my thoughts and process is what's best or I will have no idea what is going on.
So I have created a list of things I will accomplish this year.
1. Finish my novel. I've been writing it for over five years. It needs to be finished and then I can work on getting published. December 31st, 2013 is my deadline. If it's not finished, then the project is over. I can't keep doing this to myself.
2. Lose 23 pounds. That's it? That's your goal? Yes. I want that scale to say 199 lbs, and I will be happy.
3. Become a cyclist. I always seemed to like cycle class, so why not become good at it? I discovered a new thing at the gym yesterday. It's a program that the bikes are set up with where you ride on all these different courses from beginner, moderate, to challenges. They are set up with the internet and I've already registered so I can track my progress.
4. Run a 5k. It's not like I'm trying to do a marathon. This is another thing that will let me know, I can do it. Right now, my body doesn't want to train and it's rather upsetting but I can only do what my body allows. I refuse to hurt myself in the process.
5. Know the basics of pole dancing. I am thankful that I have some amazing women in the pole community to help me. If I can invert by the end of the year, hell yeah. If not, I"m not gonna be disappointed. The thing about being a plus size dancer is that it may take it a little longer for us to get things. We are bigger and we have more to hold up, but we are insanely strong for it, body and mind.
6. Become versed in yoga. I love yoga. I know I'm lazy for it but I love it. My plans are to become very knowledgeable of it. I'm trying to find a book right now so I can learn everything about it. I think it will be helpful to me.

It's a small list and it's doable. It's week 3 and this week has been a lazy one. For a few days I kind of lost my way. One day I traded the gym for cake and another day I just didn't want to go to the gym. These are mistakes that happen and I will accept them, then learn from there. I'm still learning to eat better and workout properly.

I will accomplish my goals, and stand proud.

I know I'm a quitter. Don't worry, I'm seeking treatment.

I have to admit, I'd pretty much given up on this blog. In the past couple of months, I've pretty much given up on a lot. I can blame it on finals or work or whatever, I just gave up. I'm a person that never completely finishes something and is a quitter. It's one of the worst feelings in the world.
I've been writing a novel for the past five years that I can't seem to finish. I've had my pole for over a year, I've barely gone past I was last year. Started the gym again last month, not a single pound lost. All these things just add to the list of non-accomplished.
I knew these things wouldn't be easy but I can't even put my own happiness first. The old line still lives, "You can't love someone else until you love yourself." That is true and I know it is, yet I'm too stupid to realize it. I'm that person that will call someone on their bullshit quicker than they can finish the thought but I can't call myself on my own shit.
I give myself slack on my gym membership going to waste at the moment since I'm getting over the flu but what about all the other days I'm not sick?
60 minutes a day is amazing on a Treadmil. 30 minutes is great strength training, and maybe a couple of 60 minute pole sessions during the week would do wonders. There are 168 hours in a week. How is it that I can't spend 5 of those hours on a Treadmil, 2 1/2 a week strength training and 2 hours a week pole dancing?
I'm lazy. I know I am that's how I got 220lbs, well being lazy and over eating, big time. I still continue to and I don't seem to be stopping any time soon.
For awhile I only worried about being in recovery and that was all. As long as I was sober, I was okay. Now I can see that just because I was once an addict doesn't mean I need to only focus on that for the rest of my life. I have another addiction and it's to food. I need to get over this addiction like I did the other one. This is more destructive to me now and it needs to be taken care of. The confidence I had earlier this year is now faded. I don't feel confident most days.
I knew I would and will never been a skinny mini but I couldn't even fallow through with toning what I have. I know part of it is that I have no clue what I"m doing. But still, I'm not taking the extra step to improve myself. Why can't I make myself happy?
Hopefully a new year will solve my current problem. I hope.

Change

People say we need to leave some things to the imagination. But it seems that since I keep blogging, and revealing, that it's helped me. I haven opened up about two things that are serious issues I deal with on the daily. I believe that this is my form of therapy. Talking about it is one thing but how much can people listen? Well I can blog all day and whether people read it or not, it doesn't matter.

Opening up isn't for everyone but I think it is working for me. Tonight I want to talk about change. When Obama was campaigning he kept saying Change and that was what he wanted all of us to associate with him. Well that same year I was saying it was my year of change also. I didn't change much, at least not to the degree of what I wanted.

I will tell people I've had a mental breakdown. It may not be the usual type of breakdown that people see but to me it was a breakdown. It was the moment that made me look at myself and say, "I don't want to be like this anymore."

On my 23rd birthday, almost two years ago, I was in the car with my boyfriend and a former friend. We had just gotten back together in March and although we had decided to be together we still had issues. He was trying to play a joke and turned on a song about strippers and I freaked out. I started screaming, literally screaming at the top of my lungs. I horrified my friend and completely embarrassed my boyfriend. I humiliated myself more than anything.

That night I sat in bed awake and crying at my own humiliation. I never wanted to be one of those psycho girlfriends but I was. I turned into someone I didn't want to be. "How did I get to this?" "What did I turn into?"

But I've noticed with myself, I have to get to that point in order to change. After that night, it was like my jealousy triggers turned off. They still fire here and there but not like they did. I kind of developed a mentality that if my boyfriend was going to leave again, or worse, cheat, there was nothing I could do about it. Then this morning as I was watching The Client List, Jennifer Love Hewitt, who I secretly would love to have for a night or a week, was speaking about her husband in the show. She said, "It shows more about his character than mine." It's true. Men are going to leave a woman because they choose to and vice versa. There is nothing we can do about it. It's like going old, we can't stop it. We may be able to push it off, or prologue it, but it's gonna happen.

One of the reasons why I freaked out so bad was because of myself. I lacked so much confidence it was insane. I seen myself as the 500lb woman. I seen myself ugly, unwanted, and a waste of space. My addiction comes into play at this point but it was me. If we can't make ourselves happy then we can't make others happy.

So this lack of confidence and anger towards my boyfriend gave me a push. I started looking into pole dancing because I wanted to be able to dance better than strippers do and make him regret going to those clubs. My ultimate goal was to have him say, "Why did I waste all that money when I could of had my girl do it for free?" I'd probably make him go into the kitchen and make me a damn sandwich for once. But I'm thankful for what he did. I don't want to go though it again but I learned. I learned a lot from it and I gained a new obsession, a new addiction in the art of pole.

Change can be triggered by many things. I'm still going through my change and I don't see this journey ending anytime soon and I really don't want it to. I was to discover as I go and enjoy the ride.

I decided to talk about change tonight because I was changing around my room. Yes, that is what my inspiration was. My bedroom has been the same way for years and I've noticed myself decluttering my room like I am these feelings and issues in my life. Declutter, another therapy.