Fat Girl Sins: Sloth

I've been thinking lately about sins. We have the seven deadly sins but in my eyes there are many other sins that we perform daily that we need to change in ourselves. I can admit that I have a little bit of all the sins and then some, so I'm going to talk about Sloth.
Last week I finished the semester and I have two weeks until I go back. I barely work, thanks to this lovely economy, and my chores have been done, mostly. Today, I spent my whole day being lazy. I woke up at 1 which I should stop because I need to get back to waking up at 10 or 11 because I felt better during the day when keeping to that schedule. Also I have times of insomnia and that makes things harder for me. In order to feel better during the day I get in bed about 11 or 12 and wake up at 10 or 11 but the past few days I haven't kept that schedule.
Then all day, literally all day except for bathroom and food breaks and taking the dog out, I sat on my sofa and played The Sims 2. Oh, there was one break when I turned on some music and poled my heart for about two songs. And it was a very sad day.
This is why I'm the size I am. I'm lazy. I'm trying to get out of this laziness that I have but it's hard. Like anything a over weight person tries, it's hard at first. But just because doesn't make it an excuse but we still live by that. When things get too hard, we stop. I'm not saying that every person that's overweight is because they are lazy but laziness does happen in many people that have weight problems.
I want to go out there everyday and walk my dog around the blog three times and a half times, 3 miles like I did when I was going to the gym. But I'm lazy. I don't want to, or I'll start and stop. I'm starting to see a challenge in my future. They say do something for thirty days to develop something new.
When I'm productive, I feel amazing and feel like my day was worth living. When I'm lazy, even for one day, I feel like shit. I don't want to risk developing an addiction to something but how can I think about that when I don't even get up to start?
I say a lot, I just don't want to do it. Mind over matter, please kick my ass.

Change

People say we need to leave some things to the imagination. But it seems that since I keep blogging, and revealing, that it's helped me. I haven opened up about two things that are serious issues I deal with on the daily. I believe that this is my form of therapy. Talking about it is one thing but how much can people listen? Well I can blog all day and whether people read it or not, it doesn't matter.

Opening up isn't for everyone but I think it is working for me. Tonight I want to talk about change. When Obama was campaigning he kept saying Change and that was what he wanted all of us to associate with him. Well that same year I was saying it was my year of change also. I didn't change much, at least not to the degree of what I wanted.

I will tell people I've had a mental breakdown. It may not be the usual type of breakdown that people see but to me it was a breakdown. It was the moment that made me look at myself and say, "I don't want to be like this anymore."

On my 23rd birthday, almost two years ago, I was in the car with my boyfriend and a former friend. We had just gotten back together in March and although we had decided to be together we still had issues. He was trying to play a joke and turned on a song about strippers and I freaked out. I started screaming, literally screaming at the top of my lungs. I horrified my friend and completely embarrassed my boyfriend. I humiliated myself more than anything.

That night I sat in bed awake and crying at my own humiliation. I never wanted to be one of those psycho girlfriends but I was. I turned into someone I didn't want to be. "How did I get to this?" "What did I turn into?"

But I've noticed with myself, I have to get to that point in order to change. After that night, it was like my jealousy triggers turned off. They still fire here and there but not like they did. I kind of developed a mentality that if my boyfriend was going to leave again, or worse, cheat, there was nothing I could do about it. Then this morning as I was watching The Client List, Jennifer Love Hewitt, who I secretly would love to have for a night or a week, was speaking about her husband in the show. She said, "It shows more about his character than mine." It's true. Men are going to leave a woman because they choose to and vice versa. There is nothing we can do about it. It's like going old, we can't stop it. We may be able to push it off, or prologue it, but it's gonna happen.

One of the reasons why I freaked out so bad was because of myself. I lacked so much confidence it was insane. I seen myself as the 500lb woman. I seen myself ugly, unwanted, and a waste of space. My addiction comes into play at this point but it was me. If we can't make ourselves happy then we can't make others happy.

So this lack of confidence and anger towards my boyfriend gave me a push. I started looking into pole dancing because I wanted to be able to dance better than strippers do and make him regret going to those clubs. My ultimate goal was to have him say, "Why did I waste all that money when I could of had my girl do it for free?" I'd probably make him go into the kitchen and make me a damn sandwich for once. But I'm thankful for what he did. I don't want to go though it again but I learned. I learned a lot from it and I gained a new obsession, a new addiction in the art of pole.

Change can be triggered by many things. I'm still going through my change and I don't see this journey ending anytime soon and I really don't want it to. I was to discover as I go and enjoy the ride.

I decided to talk about change tonight because I was changing around my room. Yes, that is what my inspiration was. My bedroom has been the same way for years and I've noticed myself decluttering my room like I am these feelings and issues in my life. Declutter, another therapy.

Shame Number Two

I said in one of my other blogs that I had done some horrible things, including lying. Along the path of finding myself, I knew this was one of the things I had to confront. I learned this early on. I'm not going to say it started here but I did do this. I'd lie about my mom leaving and saying instead that she had passed away. This is horrible, I know.

My father raised me not to lie, but I didn't listen. I lied my ass off. Even today I can still catch myself doing it and then that has penalties to it. But I ignore those just so I can get attention. My whole life has been about attention. I wanted more, more, more. This coming from a girl that wants to be famous for something. I know this need to have my name known is because I don't want to leave this life as just another person. I want to be known. I want to have done something beneficial to this world.

But I'm getting away from the topic. I've lied for so long to come off as interesting to others. I've always thought who I really was, wasn't good enough, so I lied. I lied about a lot of things.
This has caused a lot of issues in my life and the most recent, and most important, was the lies in my relationship. I don't appreciate my boyfriend like I should and I know it's because of selfish which is another blog. But I don't know many people, including myself, who would take someone back after they reveal all their lies. Three years into the relationship, I couldn't hold my lies and I knew that it wouldn't best if I didn't tell him. A relationship shouldn't have lies under the table, it needs to be out in the open. So that night I wrote a little, back when MySpace was popular, and admitted everything. I figured he would have left right then. But he didn't, he asked me questions about certain situations and I though everything was good. He said he was proud I told him and said I was strong for admitting it but it got to him. I don't blame him, it would have gotten to me to and it has.

So in spite and in a mind frame that he modified to, he went as close to cheating, meaning strippers. Now I'm gonna blow our whole relationship but lies on his end happened and then I felt the separation. So I went into the I don't give a f*ck mood. Our relationship was going down the drain and a few months after I admitted everything, we broke up. I was miserable and I know he was too so I told him to just leave. Even today if I think too much I'll cry. I'd never felt so heartbroken in my life. But thankfully after a few months apart and some serious thinking and my shitty one night stand and his stalker chick he was dating, we got back together.

But surprisingly, I'm pretty good at keeping up with who I told lies to, and what lies I did tell. Then after awhile, I started believing them myself. Anyone seeing me needing a shrink? Because I do.
This need to be interesting, has snowballed to a point that it has affected many things in my life and I believe that because I've told these lies and I've become I guess great at it, that it's why I get punished. I don't get opportunities that would make my life, or myself, better because of my lying. I'm not saying that I didn't get the job I wanted because I lied to the company or the boss. It's like I lied about something and then as a punishment from whatever God or whoever is up there, I didn't get what I wanted. Or because of the lies I've told throughout my life, it's the reason I'm in this "bullshit" situation that I'm in. Because of the lies I've told to my boyfriend, I got put in this horrible situation I'm in now, which I don't really want to talk about completely right now. It's not the worst but I wouldn't wish it on anymore. The people that deal with what I do, have amazing and I'm not made for it.

So today, now that I am not lying like I did, meaning I still catch myself doing it, I tend to embarrass myself. I'll say things that are actually true but I'll say them at the wrong moment or I'll never shut up and say things without thinking. In return, I get told I'm un-lady like. And this really makes me mad.

I've hidden myself for so long that now I'm saying what I'm thinking or saying something true and I'm bashed for it. I'm not 100% okay with myself but I am more confident then I used to be. So I'll tell people things about me that are true and I'll let my true personality show but I'm still learning when to do it. Because if I'm not paying attention then I'll embarrass myself which is something that I hate, for me there is nothing worse than embarrassing yourself, which is another thing I need to work on.

But today, I'm Emmy. I'm working on who I want to be and along this road I need to face what I don't want to and I have to do the hard work to finish the journey. I call this recreation a journey because it is one, full of hardship and happiness.

I Blame It On My Boobs

When I discovered yoga again I worried I was the biggest girl in the class, and I was. But I kept going and liked it. But there is this one move that I always think about and I think I"m going to send it in to this blog. I love this blog called Busty Girl Comics. This comic is all about what it's like to be large in the chest, pros and cons.
This yoga move is called High Lunge.

In this move I could stay balanced and have the correct form, well until it came to my boobs. You are supposed to lay your upper body on your leg and touch your hands flat on the ground. Yeah, with big boobs, it's not possible. The yoga teacher, who was super nice, asking me, "Can you not do this move?" She wasn't trying to be a bitch but I simply replied with, "No, I can not do this move. My boobs are in the way."
Damn you boobs, I love you most of the time but this moment is when I hate you.

I'm sorry to my shameful addiction

Recently I've gone through a rough patch which has made me lose everything from focus to hope in my life. Thus is why I have no updated. I didn't want to abandon this blog so quickly but I did and it wasn't meant to be.
This happens to me a lot. I will begin something and go into this new adventure head first but I quickly lose interest. It happens all the time, never fails. But it's one thing I'm trying to change.
I kept thinking that I needed to have this blog be completely about pole dancing, food, and my adventure in it. But I'll probably end up adding certain things that help me. Some posts will be a random ranting about what is going on my life but the next post could be able my obsession with food.
Lately I went into a deep depression. It doesn't happen often but when it does, I dive deep. When something doesn't happen as I want it or something throws me for a loop, then I get depressed. It's a need to have control and right now I feel as I don't have any control over my life.
I'm miserable at home, I'm miserable at work. I love to write but I'm so miserable I say so what? What's the point? I won't finish it. I'm only making myself give up before I have the possibility to get half way.
When I get deep into a depressing state I result back to my addiction. I may have never been addicted to drugs or alcohol but I was addicted to self-mutilation. This addiction plagued me from the age of 15-22. I started when a classmate told me about it. At first yes it was about attention but then it turned into an addiction. I'd buy razors to crack them open and save the blades under shampoo bottles, only mine because my dad or brother would never touch girly shampoo. Or the closest I came to my dad finding about was when he discovered all his razor blades gone from his toolbox. He's a machine so he had replacement blades for his retractable blades or razors to remove window tint. I thought no one knew but my brother discovered I was cutting and then the whole family knew. No, I never had an intervention. My boyfriend helped me stop.
Stopping somethings for a boy isn't always a bad thing. He told me he'd leave me for good if he discovered another cut on my body. I didn't want to be without him, I just got him back. After awhile of being cut free I started to see things about it. I made myself uglier by scaring myself. I still have that mindset where I think "oh it's not that bad. I never got near anything that could hurt me. I stayed away from my wrists. My blades were always new and clean. My wounds were cleaned after and taken care of with Neosporin. I did it safely." There is nothing safe about hurting yourself.
I'd always say there was no real reason why I started to cut myself but now I know exactly why. It's exactly why I gained so much weight in elementary school. My mom left. I didn't have her in my life anymore. I did some but it wasn't much. My parents, especially my dad had such bad blood between them that my dad always had an attitude and my mom felt uncomfortable and unwanted. I understand. I love my dad and thank him and my brother for raising me but I gained a lot of hatred toward my mother because of my father. I'll never tell him that. Maybe my life would have been different.
I never thought she left because of me. I knew her and my father were no longer getting along and I knew she had her affairs and she wasn't the biggest fan of men anymore. Sometimes it takes a long time to discover what really makes you happy.
When she left, I started eating. I gained weight. Then in seventh grade I was already in an 18. I was so ashamed so I stopped eating and went down to a 13/14. In high school with my first boyfriend, I went back up to 18.
I've discovered that I always put myself second although I'm always working on myself. I'll do anything to make others happy but I don't make myself happy. That turned into a whole new addiction with shopping but I smashed that quick.
My personality is addictive. I've done bad things in the short life I've had. Lied to make myself sound better. Stolen from strangers. Been a total bitch. I don't want to be that person.
I want to find that one thing that I'm perfect with. I'm a genius at. That one thing people will look at me and say oh yeah, she knows everything about that. This is what I love about pole dancing. Pole dancing is physical, confident gaining, sexy, and artistic. Now it's up to me to do this for myself, to make myself happy.

My First Rate Version

“Always be a first rate version of yourself instead of a second rate version of somebody else.”  Judy Garland.
I read this in another blog by Marc and Angle Hack. I read this blog from time to time. Which in my terms means I have it bookmarked but I don't read it as much as I should. I keep planning to start reading the articles daily for new ones or look at old ones. They have amazing articles of how to be happy.
Everytime I read one of their articles I start to think. They bring back reality and help you realize truths about yourself.
For someone that has struggled with depression since I was very young, trying to be happy can be draining. We tend to do things we wouldn't do just to be some form of happy. Then with this need to be happy we try to be someone else. Pathetic? Yep, but we all do it at one point or another.
If I were to die and go to hell today, I'd go for envy. I always want what others have. I want their job, experiences, their amazing arms and pole dancing tricks. I rarely pay attention to the things I already have, like a great boyfriend, good healthy, and a job, although I don't make barely anything, at least I have one.
I also have moments where I get depressed because I feel as if at this age I should be farther then I am. I'm about to be 25, most have said, "oh you're still a baby." Yes, I am. But for many they are starting their lives when I'm barely having one.
I would be where others are if I had done what they did. I shouldn't have said no to college after high school and just went into job after job. I should have started working on my body years ago instead of just last year. I have no good excuse. I want the easy way out because I was scared.
Many things pass me by because of fear or anxiety. I think this is why I am still having issues trying to determine my major. I can't decide. Medical or business? I don't know.
One can never be truly happy until they have worked for where they want to be.

My first homemade Lasagna

Last night I made my first lasagna. I was so proud of myself. I have no picture to show because it was barely out of the oven when it was being dug into.

Flat Belly Cookbook has a Tofu Lasagna but just the thought grossed me out. I've had Tofu and it was straight up disgusting. Maybe there are some better than others but I'm not taking that chance anytime soon.
I fallowed most of the directions in the cookbook but I also got hints from a recipe online. Mine contained: ground chuck, Italian cheese and seasoning, mushrooms, red onions, basil, bay leaves, oregano, lasagna noodles, ricotta cheese, and diced tomatoes.
This one didn't have a mufa in it because I forgot to add in the olive oil. My bad.
But I set the oven to 375 and started on the tomato mix. I put the ground chuck into a saucepan, this is where I would have put in the oil.Then put the meat to the side in a drainer to get out any fat. I placed the tomatoes along with basil, oregano, Italian seasoning, bay leaves, red onions, and mushrooms. It cooked for a few minutes then adding in the meat to make it all blend together.
In a glass backing pan, I put it in this order tomato mix, noodles, ricotta, then repeated it again.
In the oven it went for an hour.

It tastes good except I needed more sauce. I used two 14 oz cans of tomatoes but it didn't seem like enough. I think it was because I added in those veggies but that is an old-fashioned why to get kids to eat veggies and a prime time to add them in. I like to put vegetables and fruit into whatever I can so I can my daily servings.
I'm sure this recipe goes over the 400 mark because of the added cheese and meat but I divided up the pan into 9 servings and I had only one so I am proud of myself again. I didn't go back for seconds which my father sure did.