Sunday, September 16, 2012

Self Discovery is exhausting.

For the past couple of years I've been saying I'm on a journey to self discovery. I don't know about anyone else that has gone down this road, but I'm exhausted. I'm so tired of attempting to start things and then stop. I believe that's the type of person I am though, maybe I can plan things out and fallow through with them but I'm not a completely organized person that plans out their whole life, I'm more spontaneous than I thought.
I've always wanted to be confident. Even the prettiest women in the world are not 100% confident. But I realized that I am more confident than I ever have, even though I'm a size 16 and would love to go down another pant size or two. But I am a person that isn't the biggest fan of exercise. I know a lot about it and if you put in me a gym then I'd kick butt until you pulled me out of it but I don't have the motivation to run around my own block enough times a week to see a difference in my body.
I don't want to balloon and I don't want to always be the size I am. I know it will take a lot for me to change. Also, I don't want something horrible to happen to me and then I have to lose weight. I fear I will never lose the weight.
But I have a lot of fears, come on, I'm not fearless. I fear failure, I fear pain, shit I even fear the dark sometimes. I usually say I fear spiders or bugs but I just hate, dislike, them. I tend to me the one killing bugs instead of my boyfriend so I don't have a phobia. But I do fear failure, but who doesn't.
But on this rocky road, I think I have discovered who I am. To be honest I think I've known who I was from the beginning.