Friday, December 28, 2012

I know I'm a quitter. Don't worry, I'm seeking treatment.

I have to admit, I'd pretty much given up on this blog. In the past couple of months, I've pretty much given up on a lot. I can blame it on finals or work or whatever, I just gave up. I'm a person that never completely finishes something and is a quitter. It's one of the worst feelings in the world.
I've been writing a novel for the past five years that I can't seem to finish. I've had my pole for over a year, I've barely gone past I was last year. Started the gym again last month, not a single pound lost. All these things just add to the list of non-accomplished.
I knew these things wouldn't be easy but I can't even put my own happiness first. The old line still lives, "You can't love someone else until you love yourself." That is true and I know it is, yet I'm too stupid to realize it. I'm that person that will call someone on their bullshit quicker than they can finish the thought but I can't call myself on my own shit.
I give myself slack on my gym membership going to waste at the moment since I'm getting over the flu but what about all the other days I'm not sick?
60 minutes a day is amazing on a Treadmil. 30 minutes is great strength training, and maybe a couple of 60 minute pole sessions during the week would do wonders. There are 168 hours in a week. How is it that I can't spend 5 of those hours on a Treadmil, 2 1/2 a week strength training and 2 hours a week pole dancing?
I'm lazy. I know I am that's how I got 220lbs, well being lazy and over eating, big time. I still continue to and I don't seem to be stopping any time soon.
For awhile I only worried about being in recovery and that was all. As long as I was sober, I was okay. Now I can see that just because I was once an addict doesn't mean I need to only focus on that for the rest of my life. I have another addiction and it's to food. I need to get over this addiction like I did the other one. This is more destructive to me now and it needs to be taken care of. The confidence I had earlier this year is now faded. I don't feel confident most days.
I knew I would and will never been a skinny mini but I couldn't even fallow through with toning what I have. I know part of it is that I have no clue what I"m doing. But still, I'm not taking the extra step to improve myself. Why can't I make myself happy?
Hopefully a new year will solve my current problem. I hope.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Self Discovery is exhausting.

For the past couple of years I've been saying I'm on a journey to self discovery. I don't know about anyone else that has gone down this road, but I'm exhausted. I'm so tired of attempting to start things and then stop. I believe that's the type of person I am though, maybe I can plan things out and fallow through with them but I'm not a completely organized person that plans out their whole life, I'm more spontaneous than I thought.
I've always wanted to be confident. Even the prettiest women in the world are not 100% confident. But I realized that I am more confident than I ever have, even though I'm a size 16 and would love to go down another pant size or two. But I am a person that isn't the biggest fan of exercise. I know a lot about it and if you put in me a gym then I'd kick butt until you pulled me out of it but I don't have the motivation to run around my own block enough times a week to see a difference in my body.
I don't want to balloon and I don't want to always be the size I am. I know it will take a lot for me to change. Also, I don't want something horrible to happen to me and then I have to lose weight. I fear I will never lose the weight.
But I have a lot of fears, come on, I'm not fearless. I fear failure, I fear pain, shit I even fear the dark sometimes. I usually say I fear spiders or bugs but I just hate, dislike, them. I tend to me the one killing bugs instead of my boyfriend so I don't have a phobia. But I do fear failure, but who doesn't.
But on this rocky road, I think I have discovered who I am. To be honest I think I've known who I was from the beginning.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Fat Girl Sin: Disregard

We tend to not listen. Maybe it's because all our lives we are having to deal with people telling us not to do things. They want to tell us what not to eat, that we should get "in shape," or whatever it is related to our weight and habits. Since when did our bodies become everyone else's problem?

In truth our bodies are ours, we have the right to do whatever we want with it. If we want to eat junk food and forget about the consequences, that's our right. If we want to be muscle bound Guido, we can.

Our bodies are our temples, we can decorate it however we want. But all the decorations in the world wont make a difference if we don't listen to leaking roof, the cracking walls, or peeling laminate floor. It doesn't have to be the prettiest building in the world, it doesn't matter if it's a candy shop or a fitness center, as long as the owner's take care of it. The owners wont always be happy with it but they still love owning the building.

I, for one, am a huge non-listener. I didn't listen to my body which caused a kidney infection. I never listened. Still to this day, I don't listen. I learned the hard way that my body refuses to tolerate spicy food with fries in the same sitting. That was a nice bathroom adventure.

Slowly, I'm starting to listen to my body. It's hard since I've spent my whole life ignoring it. "Wow, although I'm full, this plate still has plenty of food on it, I'll eat it." Portion size is another Fat Girl Sin that will be discussed later.

But the past few times I've been to a restaurant, I ordered water because at several places when I ordered Coke or Dr. Pepper, I couldn't taste it. I ordered it with ice, or without, let it sit there for a minute so the fizz could calm itself, still no taste. Only two places I've ordered soda at that I could actually taste, one place is my job where I get it with no ice. But lately when I'm working, I'm taking my big green cheap-o water bottle with water.

I guess my body just doesn't want soda. I've even gotten sick of Orange Crush, a drink I saved when I was having a bad day.

Another bad food of mine is Coldstone. They came out with these Retro themed items. I fell in love with the Hot Fudge Sunday. For a couple of weeks, I ate this Hot Fudge Sunday twice or three times a week. Last week a friend of mine wanted ice cream, so that's where we went and I wasn't satisfied. It was good but it seemed like a task to eat it. So I think I can cross that off my list of wants.

I'm part Italian, I grew up on lots of pasta. I love pasta but I have become to have a love/hate relationship with it. It's usually the first thing I order at restaurants but now, I just don't want it. I'm not completely done with pasta but I just don't want it.

I don't know what's gotten in my head lately. Maybe I'm looking at myself, my building, and thinking, "well that leaky roof needs to be fixed." Last Thursday, I put on some running shoes, headphones and ran the best I could around the block. It wasn't long and it wasn't the best run I've ever done but I did it. I missed Sunday and need to do it today. Probably after this post.

I guess sometimes we just want to listen for once, but only to ourselves. That's the only person worth listening to when we truely see it. Yes we are to listen to doctors about our health but it's hard to listen to someone who doesn't know us personally. We need to listen to what our bodies say, so we can be the best we can be.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

It's been a minute

I know, I know. It's been too long. I just got through "The Summer Semester From Hell." I had four classes in eight weeks with the same amount of work you'd have in sixteen to eighteen weeks. On top of that I was in a new major that I thought I might like but it ended up being something I didn't want to do.
I was in Business Administration and although I didn't have a problem learning all the ways to work Microsoft Word, I didn't like all the calculations I would have to do. Numbers are not my thing, words are.
I'm so confused on what I want to do so now I'm going for Culinary Arts. Learning to deal with measurements are gonna be a struggle for me but hopefully I don't get a dickhead teacher. I've seen him around school and he seems like a hard ass but I hope he isn't. I don't know though. I don't know what I for sure want to do. I love to bake and it's my stress release and I love to design. I don't want to deal with the competitiveness of the art but it's something I have to deal with. I still want to be a writer, it's just taking me awhile to write my novel.
I think it will take awhile for me to discover my true personality. Sometimes I get confused or ashamed of what I like. Except for pole dancing. I love it, I'm not ashamed of it. Or my love for Channing Tatum, many know my obsession with him.
But right now, I'm focusing on my style. I'm so sick of wearing solid color clothes and band shirts and jeans with flip-flops. I have some cute shoes, why not wear them? I barely put on makeup anymore and that needs to change. I'm trying to be the cute plus size diva I know I am. This of course has resulted in spending too much money. Ugh. So I decided to take my credit cards out of my wallet because I will end up spending money.
This post is all over the place but it's a update and off my brain. Enjoy. :)

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Fat Girl Sin: Pride

I have noticed in myself and some others, pole dancers or not, that once we have uncovered our confidence, we tend to be prideful. At some point we start to think of ourselves as above others. Some of us become cocky. It's just how it works.

Not all plus size girls develop pride when they begin to pole dance but they do confidence. I'm not going to attempt to link this development of pride and pole dancing. I'm just saying that the main thing I've noticed from plus size pole dancers is that they gain confidence. Anyone can gain pride when they gain confidence.

Below is my explanation for why plus size women go past that line of having confidence to becoming prideful.

I came to this realization the other day when I was getting my first evaluation at work. We've never had them before so it was new but I was wanting to know what my bosses thought of me. Well I was told that according to how I rated myself, I thought highly of myself. I didn't want to tell him that I filled out the paper 5 minutes before it was to be due and had to get another copy because I lost mine. Also in the process of getting this second piece of paper to fill out, they had no extra copies so I had to copy someone else's and mark out how they rated themselves and write mine in. My bosses didn't have a problem with that. As long as it was in on time. I never took the time to actually sit down and think.

But he also told me that in order to make myself look good, I put others down in the process. I thought about it for a minute. When I would tell him something, in my mind, I wasn't trying to put others down. I was just simply trying to tell him, "Well certain other people didn't do this when I did, so why are you talking to me about this issue when you need to talk to others about the issues they caused?"

I believe I felt attacked every time my bosses would bring something to my attention. So I went into the mode of protecting myself. There have been jobs, including my current one, that I've felt like I'm being walked on or being taken advantage. I've developed the titled of "Ol' Reliable." This title really pisses me off because they seem to think they can just put anything on me because I'll clean up everyone else's mess. Yeah, no. So when something came up, I protected myself.

But this made me think and view plus size women's reactions to things. We post all over Facebook about how plus size is better than skinny girls. We post that men prefer meat instead of bones, referring them to dogs. I've noticed that the plus size woman gain so much confidence it either comes off as smothering, pathetic, or both. I was hoping my confidence hadn't gone this far but as I was having the meeting with my boss, I realized, "awe shit, I had."

My theory is that we have hidden and downgraded ourselves our whole lives because we didn't have the confidence, or feel worthy, that now that we do, we go overboard. Deep inside we refuse to go back into that place and want to make sure everyone knows how amazing we really are. I'm not saying we should stop showing how amazing we are but we tend to overdue it.

This is not true for all women that have gained confidence but for some, they have taken it too far. I'm sure we have all seen or done this. It's hard to determine when we've gone too far until we either realize it ourselves, or have someone tell us. The ladder is what we don't want to happen. But I'm saying that, yes, be confident. Let everyone see how wonderful you are. Walk around feeling great and like anyone else. Don't feel like an outsider or that you're unattractive because you are to someone.

Me, personally, I like plus size. I don't want to have to kill myself exercising and counting my food. If I want ice cream, I don't want to hate myself for eating it. I've personally struggled with my weight since elementary school. I've dealt with eating disorders. I've binged until I've felt sick, I've starved myself until I couldn't take it anymore. I've even eaten so much and then barracked myself in the bathroom to throw it all up. I've killed myself with exercise until my whole body. I've done it, dealt with it. It is true that the only thing I have been able to do that makes me feeling amazing is to pole dance. For other's it can be running or ballet or other times of workouts. It's all up to the person to find what they like.

This video is a joke video. I like this girl because she has been a dancer and had to deal with being "the bigger stripper." This video just made me laugh and I thought it would be a cute thing to post here because the things she says are true. I've heard almost all of the quotes from one person or another.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Fat Girl Sins: Surrender

In the way I think, we never improve ourselves until we hit rock bottom. When we think we have, but we actually haven't, we will find any excuse not to improve ourselves. We truly have to hit rock bottom, hard, or else we will surrender the challenge.

The other day I got frustrated, I put on a pair of new, and cute, Hanes undies that have thick waist bands and are bikini style. I love these undies because they are wedgie free and when you have an ass like mine, it's like a gift from God. I love to work in them and have no issues but then it's bedtime. I lay in bed and feel the bands pressing into my sides. I get pissed and grab a pair of granny panties instead.

Since I've quit the gym, due to financial problems, I've felt like shit. I've also had the pain in my ankle and leg return just about every day. The other night, I was surfing On Demand and found the fitness section. I did two ten minute workouts that were okay but I wanted some yoga and found a yoga video for 25 minutes.

I'd taken some yoga classes back in February and enjoyed it but I hadn't remembered the moves so I thought I'd do a video. It was a beginners video and thought I'd be okay, I've done those moves before. In the process, I became angry. I couldn't hold my Downward Dog but for a few seconds, plank was out of the question, and I wont even talk about Dolphin pose. Certain other poses were also hard to do. I began watching the clock hoping minutes would turn into seconds. I was extremely frustrated from this twenty minute session that I had an attitude the rest of the day. Even though I finished out the lesson, I surrendered.

The next day I refused to do another yoga video and instead I went to Kickbox Cardio. I became frustrated during this too because I was so uncoordinated. In the process of learning to pole dance, I quickly discovered that just because something looks easy, it's really not. Once again, I surrendered. The next day I walked only half my usual amount and I refused to do anything else.

Then last night I felt like crap all over again. At 11 o'clock I peeled my butt off the sofa and turned on the Kickbox Cardio video. My coordination was better this time. I still became breathless and had to modify certain moves but I finished it and time flied by.

If we just keep doing it, and refuse to surrender, we can meet our goals and enjoy the ride. We have to take our time and develop the skills and this alternative lifestyle that seems to push us back as we try to step forward. Patience is a virtue, they say, and it's developed and mastered just like anything different we try.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Fat Girl Sins: Sloth

I've been thinking lately about sins. We have the seven deadly sins but in my eyes there are many other sins that we perform daily that we need to change in ourselves. I can admit that I have a little bit of all the sins and then some, so I'm going to talk about Sloth.
Last week I finished the semester and I have two weeks until I go back. I barely work, thanks to this lovely economy, and my chores have been done, mostly. Today, I spent my whole day being lazy. I woke up at 1 which I should stop because I need to get back to waking up at 10 or 11 because I felt better during the day when keeping to that schedule. Also I have times of insomnia and that makes things harder for me. In order to feel better during the day I get in bed about 11 or 12 and wake up at 10 or 11 but the past few days I haven't kept that schedule.
Then all day, literally all day except for bathroom and food breaks and taking the dog out, I sat on my sofa and played The Sims 2. Oh, there was one break when I turned on some music and poled my heart for about two songs. And it was a very sad day.
This is why I'm the size I am. I'm lazy. I'm trying to get out of this laziness that I have but it's hard. Like anything a over weight person tries, it's hard at first. But just because doesn't make it an excuse but we still live by that. When things get too hard, we stop. I'm not saying that every person that's overweight is because they are lazy but laziness does happen in many people that have weight problems.
I want to go out there everyday and walk my dog around the blog three times and a half times, 3 miles like I did when I was going to the gym. But I'm lazy. I don't want to, or I'll start and stop. I'm starting to see a challenge in my future. They say do something for thirty days to develop something new.
When I'm productive, I feel amazing and feel like my day was worth living. When I'm lazy, even for one day, I feel like shit. I don't want to risk developing an addiction to something but how can I think about that when I don't even get up to start?
I say a lot, I just don't want to do it. Mind over matter, please kick my ass.

Saturday, May 5, 2012


People say we need to leave some things to the imagination. But it seems that since I keep blogging, and revealing, that it's helped me. I haven opened up about two things that are serious issues I deal with on the daily. I believe that this is my form of therapy. Talking about it is one thing but how much can people listen? Well I can blog all day and whether people read it or not, it doesn't matter.

Opening up isn't for everyone but I think it is working for me. Tonight I want to talk about change. When Obama was campaigning he kept saying Change and that was what he wanted all of us to associate with him. Well that same year I was saying it was my year of change also. I didn't change much, at least not to the degree of what I wanted.

I will tell people I've had a mental breakdown. It may not be the usual type of breakdown that people see but to me it was a breakdown. It was the moment that made me look at myself and say, "I don't want to be like this anymore."

On my 23rd birthday, almost two years ago, I was in the car with my boyfriend and a former friend. We had just gotten back together in March and although we had decided to be together we still had issues. He was trying to play a joke and turned on a song about strippers and I freaked out. I started screaming, literally screaming at the top of my lungs. I horrified my friend and completely embarrassed my boyfriend. I humiliated myself more than anything.

That night I sat in bed awake and crying at my own humiliation. I never wanted to be one of those psycho girlfriends but I was. I turned into someone I didn't want to be. "How did I get to this?" "What did I turn into?"

But I've noticed with myself, I have to get to that point in order to change. After that night, it was like my jealousy triggers turned off. They still fire here and there but not like they did. I kind of developed a mentality that if my boyfriend was going to leave again, or worse, cheat, there was nothing I could do about it. Then this morning as I was watching The Client List, Jennifer Love Hewitt, who I secretly would love to have for a night or a week, was speaking about her husband in the show. She said, "It shows more about his character than mine." It's true. Men are going to leave a woman because they choose to and vice versa. There is nothing we can do about it. It's like going old, we can't stop it. We may be able to push it off, or prologue it, but it's gonna happen.

One of the reasons why I freaked out so bad was because of myself. I lacked so much confidence it was insane. I seen myself as the 500lb woman. I seen myself ugly, unwanted, and a waste of space. My addiction comes into play at this point but it was me. If we can't make ourselves happy then we can't make others happy.

So this lack of confidence and anger towards my boyfriend gave me a push. I started looking into pole dancing because I wanted to be able to dance better than strippers do and make him regret going to those clubs. My ultimate goal was to have him say, "Why did I waste all that money when I could of had my girl do it for free?" I'd probably make him go into the kitchen and make me a damn sandwich for once. But I'm thankful for what he did. I don't want to go though it again but I learned. I learned a lot from it and I gained a new obsession, a new addiction in the art of pole.

Change can be triggered by many things. I'm still going through my change and I don't see this journey ending anytime soon and I really don't want it to. I was to discover as I go and enjoy the ride.

I decided to talk about change tonight because I was changing around my room. Yes, that is what my inspiration was. My bedroom has been the same way for years and I've noticed myself decluttering my room like I am these feelings and issues in my life. Declutter, another therapy.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Shame Number Two

I said in one of my other blogs that I had done some horrible things, including lying. Along the path of finding myself, I knew this was one of the things I had to confront. I learned this early on. I'm not going to say it started here but I did do this. I'd lie about my mom leaving and saying instead that she had passed away. This is horrible, I know.

My father raised me not to lie, but I didn't listen. I lied my ass off. Even today I can still catch myself doing it and then that has penalties to it. But I ignore those just so I can get attention. My whole life has been about attention. I wanted more, more, more. This coming from a girl that wants to be famous for something. I know this need to have my name known is because I don't want to leave this life as just another person. I want to be known. I want to have done something beneficial to this world.

But I'm getting away from the topic. I've lied for so long to come off as interesting to others. I've always thought who I really was, wasn't good enough, so I lied. I lied about a lot of things.
This has caused a lot of issues in my life and the most recent, and most important, was the lies in my relationship. I don't appreciate my boyfriend like I should and I know it's because of selfish which is another blog. But I don't know many people, including myself, who would take someone back after they reveal all their lies. Three years into the relationship, I couldn't hold my lies and I knew that it wouldn't best if I didn't tell him. A relationship shouldn't have lies under the table, it needs to be out in the open. So that night I wrote a little, back when MySpace was popular, and admitted everything. I figured he would have left right then. But he didn't, he asked me questions about certain situations and I though everything was good. He said he was proud I told him and said I was strong for admitting it but it got to him. I don't blame him, it would have gotten to me to and it has.

So in spite and in a mind frame that he modified to, he went as close to cheating, meaning strippers. Now I'm gonna blow our whole relationship but lies on his end happened and then I felt the separation. So I went into the I don't give a f*ck mood. Our relationship was going down the drain and a few months after I admitted everything, we broke up. I was miserable and I know he was too so I told him to just leave. Even today if I think too much I'll cry. I'd never felt so heartbroken in my life. But thankfully after a few months apart and some serious thinking and my shitty one night stand and his stalker chick he was dating, we got back together.

But surprisingly, I'm pretty good at keeping up with who I told lies to, and what lies I did tell. Then after awhile, I started believing them myself. Anyone seeing me needing a shrink? Because I do.
This need to be interesting, has snowballed to a point that it has affected many things in my life and I believe that because I've told these lies and I've become I guess great at it, that it's why I get punished. I don't get opportunities that would make my life, or myself, better because of my lying. I'm not saying that I didn't get the job I wanted because I lied to the company or the boss. It's like I lied about something and then as a punishment from whatever God or whoever is up there, I didn't get what I wanted. Or because of the lies I've told throughout my life, it's the reason I'm in this "bullshit" situation that I'm in. Because of the lies I've told to my boyfriend, I got put in this horrible situation I'm in now, which I don't really want to talk about completely right now. It's not the worst but I wouldn't wish it on anymore. The people that deal with what I do, have amazing and I'm not made for it.

So today, now that I am not lying like I did, meaning I still catch myself doing it, I tend to embarrass myself. I'll say things that are actually true but I'll say them at the wrong moment or I'll never shut up and say things without thinking. In return, I get told I'm un-lady like. And this really makes me mad.

I've hidden myself for so long that now I'm saying what I'm thinking or saying something true and I'm bashed for it. I'm not 100% okay with myself but I am more confident then I used to be. So I'll tell people things about me that are true and I'll let my true personality show but I'm still learning when to do it. Because if I'm not paying attention then I'll embarrass myself which is something that I hate, for me there is nothing worse than embarrassing yourself, which is another thing I need to work on.

But today, I'm Emmy. I'm working on who I want to be and along this road I need to face what I don't want to and I have to do the hard work to finish the journey. I call this recreation a journey because it is one, full of hardship and happiness.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

I Blame It On My Boobs

When I discovered yoga again I worried I was the biggest girl in the class, and I was. But I kept going and liked it. But there is this one move that I always think about and I think I"m going to send it in to this blog. I love this blog called Busty Girl Comics. This comic is all about what it's like to be large in the chest, pros and cons.
This yoga move is called High Lunge.

In this move I could stay balanced and have the correct form, well until it came to my boobs. You are supposed to lay your upper body on your leg and touch your hands flat on the ground. Yeah, with big boobs, it's not possible. The yoga teacher, who was super nice, asking me, "Can you not do this move?" She wasn't trying to be a bitch but I simply replied with, "No, I can not do this move. My boobs are in the way."
Damn you boobs, I love you most of the time but this moment is when I hate you.

Friday, April 20, 2012

I'm sorry to my shameful addiction

Recently I've gone through a rough patch which has made me lose everything from focus to hope in my life. Thus is why I have no updated. I didn't want to abandon this blog so quickly but I did and it wasn't meant to be.
This happens to me a lot. I will begin something and go into this new adventure head first but I quickly lose interest. It happens all the time, never fails. But it's one thing I'm trying to change.
I kept thinking that I needed to have this blog be completely about pole dancing, food, and my adventure in it. But I'll probably end up adding certain things that help me. Some posts will be a random ranting about what is going on my life but the next post could be able my obsession with food.
Lately I went into a deep depression. It doesn't happen often but when it does, I dive deep. When something doesn't happen as I want it or something throws me for a loop, then I get depressed. It's a need to have control and right now I feel as I don't have any control over my life.
I'm miserable at home, I'm miserable at work. I love to write but I'm so miserable I say so what? What's the point? I won't finish it. I'm only making myself give up before I have the possibility to get half way.
When I get deep into a depressing state I result back to my addiction. I may have never been addicted to drugs or alcohol but I was addicted to self-mutilation. This addiction plagued me from the age of 15-22. I started when a classmate told me about it. At first yes it was about attention but then it turned into an addiction. I'd buy razors to crack them open and save the blades under shampoo bottles, only mine because my dad or brother would never touch girly shampoo. Or the closest I came to my dad finding about was when he discovered all his razor blades gone from his toolbox. He's a machine so he had replacement blades for his retractable blades or razors to remove window tint. I thought no one knew but my brother discovered I was cutting and then the whole family knew. No, I never had an intervention. My boyfriend helped me stop.
Stopping somethings for a boy isn't always a bad thing. He told me he'd leave me for good if he discovered another cut on my body. I didn't want to be without him, I just got him back. After awhile of being cut free I started to see things about it. I made myself uglier by scaring myself. I still have that mindset where I think "oh it's not that bad. I never got near anything that could hurt me. I stayed away from my wrists. My blades were always new and clean. My wounds were cleaned after and taken care of with Neosporin. I did it safely." There is nothing safe about hurting yourself.
I'd always say there was no real reason why I started to cut myself but now I know exactly why. It's exactly why I gained so much weight in elementary school. My mom left. I didn't have her in my life anymore. I did some but it wasn't much. My parents, especially my dad had such bad blood between them that my dad always had an attitude and my mom felt uncomfortable and unwanted. I understand. I love my dad and thank him and my brother for raising me but I gained a lot of hatred toward my mother because of my father. I'll never tell him that. Maybe my life would have been different.
I never thought she left because of me. I knew her and my father were no longer getting along and I knew she had her affairs and she wasn't the biggest fan of men anymore. Sometimes it takes a long time to discover what really makes you happy.
When she left, I started eating. I gained weight. Then in seventh grade I was already in an 18. I was so ashamed so I stopped eating and went down to a 13/14. In high school with my first boyfriend, I went back up to 18.
I've discovered that I always put myself second although I'm always working on myself. I'll do anything to make others happy but I don't make myself happy. That turned into a whole new addiction with shopping but I smashed that quick.
My personality is addictive. I've done bad things in the short life I've had. Lied to make myself sound better. Stolen from strangers. Been a total bitch. I don't want to be that person.
I want to find that one thing that I'm perfect with. I'm a genius at. That one thing people will look at me and say oh yeah, she knows everything about that. This is what I love about pole dancing. Pole dancing is physical, confident gaining, sexy, and artistic. Now it's up to me to do this for myself, to make myself happy.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

My First Rate Version

“Always be a first rate version of yourself instead of a second rate version of somebody else.”  Judy Garland.
I read this in another blog by Marc and Angle Hack. I read this blog from time to time. Which in my terms means I have it bookmarked but I don't read it as much as I should. I keep planning to start reading the articles daily for new ones or look at old ones. They have amazing articles of how to be happy.
Everytime I read one of their articles I start to think. They bring back reality and help you realize truths about yourself.
For someone that has struggled with depression since I was very young, trying to be happy can be draining. We tend to do things we wouldn't do just to be some form of happy. Then with this need to be happy we try to be someone else. Pathetic? Yep, but we all do it at one point or another.
If I were to die and go to hell today, I'd go for envy. I always want what others have. I want their job, experiences, their amazing arms and pole dancing tricks. I rarely pay attention to the things I already have, like a great boyfriend, good healthy, and a job, although I don't make barely anything, at least I have one.
I also have moments where I get depressed because I feel as if at this age I should be farther then I am. I'm about to be 25, most have said, "oh you're still a baby." Yes, I am. But for many they are starting their lives when I'm barely having one.
I would be where others are if I had done what they did. I shouldn't have said no to college after high school and just went into job after job. I should have started working on my body years ago instead of just last year. I have no good excuse. I want the easy way out because I was scared.
Many things pass me by because of fear or anxiety. I think this is why I am still having issues trying to determine my major. I can't decide. Medical or business? I don't know.
One can never be truly happy until they have worked for where they want to be.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

My first homemade Lasagna

Last night I made my first lasagna. I was so proud of myself. I have no picture to show because it was barely out of the oven when it was being dug into.

Flat Belly Cookbook has a Tofu Lasagna but just the thought grossed me out. I've had Tofu and it was straight up disgusting. Maybe there are some better than others but I'm not taking that chance anytime soon.
I fallowed most of the directions in the cookbook but I also got hints from a recipe online. Mine contained: ground chuck, Italian cheese and seasoning, mushrooms, red onions, basil, bay leaves, oregano, lasagna noodles, ricotta cheese, and diced tomatoes.
This one didn't have a mufa in it because I forgot to add in the olive oil. My bad.
But I set the oven to 375 and started on the tomato mix. I put the ground chuck into a saucepan, this is where I would have put in the oil.Then put the meat to the side in a drainer to get out any fat. I placed the tomatoes along with basil, oregano, Italian seasoning, bay leaves, red onions, and mushrooms. It cooked for a few minutes then adding in the meat to make it all blend together.
In a glass backing pan, I put it in this order tomato mix, noodles, ricotta, then repeated it again.
In the oven it went for an hour.

It tastes good except I needed more sauce. I used two 14 oz cans of tomatoes but it didn't seem like enough. I think it was because I added in those veggies but that is an old-fashioned why to get kids to eat veggies and a prime time to add them in. I like to put vegetables and fruit into whatever I can so I can my daily servings.
I'm sure this recipe goes over the 400 mark because of the added cheese and meat but I divided up the pan into 9 servings and I had only one so I am proud of myself again. I didn't go back for seconds which my father sure did.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Yogurt and Granola Parfait

I am a college student and I also work so when I wake up, take the dog out and start getting ready for school or work, I tend to leave the house without eating. Then I spend the time craving, and hungry and moody. So I wanted something quick and easy.
In the Flat Belly Diet Cookbook, there is a recipe called Granola Parfait. It takes five minutes to make so I thought I'd try it.
The original recipe calls for bananas, raspberries, plain Greek yogurt, and granola. The granola is actually another recipe but I wont cover that now.
Okay, so has anyone tastes plain yogurt? It was one of the most disgusting things I've ever tasted. I'd eat cottage cheese over it. While I was doing a grocery store stop, I looked at Greek yogurts. I grabbed some 6oz Chobani flavors that I thought I'd try. I have a love/hate relationship with yogurt. I will have weeks where I'm obsessed but then I get sick of it and the remaining huge box goes to waste. Yesterday, I threw out about six little cups of chocolate Yoplait yogurt. Not the usual flavors, the expensive shit. But anyway, I got strawberry, pineapple, and peach.
Today, I took the pineapple. Placed it in the bowl and made a discovery. Take it that I've never had this brand so it was fun to discover little pieces of pineapple in the bottle. It was like an extra surprise in my yogurt that wasn't something nasty like a roach like some guy did in some movie that I can't remember the name of.
I plied in some dried blueberries and cherrys, along with a lot of old-fashioned oats and walnuts. Me and my addiction to walnuts right now. It will end, one day. Then, because I loove fruit, I chopped up some strawberries.
As I was picking up my walnuts from Kroger I stood around and looked at all the stuff in that area, like the little containers of candy and trail mix. I even eyed the chocolate covered pretzels. Tempting, very tempting. But as I pulled my eyes from those tempting whores, I looked at all that they have so I plan to experiment with different nuts and seeds for these quick yogurt dishes and for homemade granola.

The yogurt wasn't as bad as I thought. It still tasted a pit like smooth cottage cheese but everything in this dish helped. It was quick and easy which is what most of us want.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

The Journey to find the best water enhancer

We are always being told we need more water. I've been told that we need 8 ounces, then I was told we needed 8 cups. According to the Mayo Clinic, men need 3 liters(13 cups) and women need 2.2 liters(9 cups.) So in this journey of getting enough water I got sick if just drinking straight water.
You can't always stick to it unless you are used to it but it's just so, bland. So when they started coming out with all these flavored waters I got excited. I was grabbing lemon and raspberry flavored Dasani when it first came out. At least I think it was Dasani. Those tasted like crap but oh well. It was water but didn't taste like water.
Then when I got sick of those, I started with Crystal Light. At first they were A-MAZ-ING! Watered tasted like actual fruit punch. I've tried every flavor available. When they would come out with a new one or I'd see one I'd never tried, I'd buy it. Of course they have probably over 20 flavors and I've tried them all a hundred times.
After a couple of years drinking Crystal Light I started working in a vitamin store and then I was told that it has an ingredients that causes cancer. I freaked, through the stuff out. Of course I went looking for information on it and the only thing I've found was information on it containing Aspartame. There was a list of side affects that Aspartame can cause but the list is just too long.
But Aspartame is in just about everything. We really can't escape it.
So next I started drinking Mio. It's a good water enhancer but there are two draw backs.
1.) Not enough flavors. I think at the most there are 10, at least what I have been able to get my hands on.
2.) For what you spend for the bottle, there isn't enough. At my local stores, Mio ranges from $2.50 to over $3. That is crazy to me.
I had a temporary addiction to Mio because of those reasons. If they came out with more flavors, and either gave more in the bottle or made it cheaper, I wont be buying them again.
My current addiction is Ocean Spray On The Go Drink Mixes. There aren't as many flavors as Crystal Light but that's okay for me, for right now. Since I wore myself out on the Crystal Light, I"m sure I'll get sick of Ocean Spray too. But like I said, it's my current addiction.

Friday, March 16, 2012

My version of a Turkey Wrap

One of the recipes in one of the cookbooks calls for a type of wrap with meat in it and I think it's turkey. Not sure.
After awhile you get sick of eating a lot of bread. I made the step years ago to change from white to wheat, even experiments with Honey Wheat, Multi-Grain, Whole Grain, and whatever else kind of wheat bread that's out there. Butter Wheat was okay but I wasn't a huge fan of eating all that butter.
So when the cookbooks came and it started talking about whole wheat tortillas, I was on board. Although one tortilla is 130 calories and Honey Wheat is 120 calories along with Whole Grain being 100 calories, you are eating more calories but it's less bread. Now I save that bread for other things.
In the process of trying to find quick snacks to make since in the Flat Belly Diet you are supposed to eat four times a day with each food intake of 400 calories. But many snacks you have to cook but the quickest I've found was 15 minutes. Sure I could spend only 15 minutes making a meal but I'm lazy. I wanted quick, quick, quick. I am the type of person that pops raviolis in the microwave for a minute and a half and then pig out although I was burning my mouth in the process.
Most reasons why people are bigger and take in those extra calories is because it's there. It's easy and quick. They don't want to stand around cooking. I love to cook but sometimes I just want to grab a cookie, or 12, and eat something. Especially after I walk/run with the dog or pole or do yoga or whatever.
So lets get to the food. Here is my Turkey Wrap that takes at the most two minutes. Don't ask me calorie counts, I fallow what the cookbook tells me to get and I throw it together.
A great example other than the tortillas is the turkey. The meat of the wrap. The books say to get low-sodium turkey. The calorie count might be different and the price sure is but it's healthier for me. I don't like feeding my body to slimy $1 turkey. It's nasty and unhealthy. No, thanks.
Another example is the mayo I use. The books call for canola-oil mayo. I haven't been able to find it yet so I'm using regular mayo. A friend of mine told me the Hellman's makings a canola-oil mayo, so I am on the search for it.
Okay to sum that up, so far in my Turkey Wrap we have whole-wheat tortilla, two pieces of low-sodium turkey, and mayo, preparing canola-oil mayo.
Next I add some basil and oregano along with tarragon. I throw basil and oregano on just about everything, it doesn't hurt to add and it enhances the flavors. Along with that I add a little red-wine vinegar and olive oil.
Then because I can't stand to have bland food, I added two slices of swiss cheese and some spinach. You can already tell I am trying to use up this spinach. I had iceberg but it wasn't looking so pretty.
The mufa in this recipe is olive oil. Instead of using butter since I started this diet, everything that requires butter or I used to use butter with has been replaced with olive oil. I make eggs, olive oil. I eat toast, I put some olive oil on it. Instead of salt to separate my pasta noodles, olive oil. Even in hamburger meat, olive oil.

Turkey Wrap:
Whole-Wheat Tortilla
Low-Sodium Turkey
Swiss Cheese
Basil, Oregano, Tarragon
Olive oil, red-wine vinegar

I knew this wasn't going to fill me up so I added some cantaloupe and sliced red apples. Be careful with the cantaloupe though, there was a salmonella scare recently.

Taste test: Yummy!
I know I was going to post about cake but since I made it two days ago, I kind of lost interest in it. Who knows what I'll make tomorrow.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Walnut-Crusted Chicken with Spinach and Pomegranate

Okay so I'm changing up my blog a little bit. I'm going to start recording everything I fix. Well everything new I fix for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
I am mainly pulling receipts out of the Flat Belly Diet! Cookbook and the Flat Belly Diet! Family Cookbook. I never do a recipe 100% because I love to experiment. I don't know the calories on what I make but I make sure everything I fix has at least one mufa in it. Some receipts have more.

Tonight I pulled from two recipes. Walnut-Crusted Chicken Breasts with Pomegranate Syrup and Rotini with Chicken and Broccoli. Both are out of the Flat Belly Diet! Cookbook.

I had chicken with the bone in it so I had to find something for it. Most recipes call for boneless but whatever, it's all I had. So I took the chicken, cutting off any of that extra white skin that is just icky until you cook it. I was also told you are supposed to take that off because it can be bad for you. Haven't done my research on that but I did it anyway.
Next I took walnuts, LOVE walnuts. I put them on just about anything. Also the recipe called for it. I mixed it with an egg, some panko Italian breadcrumbs and some basil and orango. The recipe called for you to dip the chicken into the crust but it also called for boneless and that wasn't happening so I just placed the crust on top. I popped that sucker in the oven and it backed. How long? Not sure, didn't put it on a timer.
Next since I had spinach and love when you roast cherry tomatos, I did that. I placed olive oil, EVOO, in a sauce pan and put in some cherry tomatos, more walnuts, some red onion along with half a red bell pepper. I sauteed and roasted as my poor right hand kept getting splattered with sprinkles of hot oil, but worth it.
Then I took some pomegranate juice and grated some fresh ginger into another sauce pan and let it cook down a little. I was hoping it was going to turn more into a glaze but it didn't. It just looked like red-wine with specks of ginger.
So after all of this, all this cooking, I put the chicken on the plate next to some spinach. On top of the spinach I put on the sauced mix of tomatoes, walnuts, red pepper, and red onion. Then over all of it, I poured on the pomegranate and ginger.

Which mufas did I use? Olive oil and walnuts.

Here is the end result:

My presentation isn't pretty but there it is, chipped,scratched plate and all. The date is also wrong on the picture. I just keep forgetting to set that stupid time since I rarely use the camera.

Most of this stuff people don't carry in their house but I do. A few weeks before I started the Flat Belly Diet I started stocking up on the basics. Shit, I spent almost $50 on spices. Try that on minimum wage and having barely any hours to even call part time.

I don't like to waste food so I try to modify these recipes so I can use up certain things. I'm kicking my own ass right now for thinking it was okay to buy a huge bottle of butter milk. Yeah it expired the other day, but still good.

So finially, here is the taste test. Sound the dun dundun dunnn music

It's pretty good. The chicken is juicy and everything is roasted perfectly. The spinach tastes a little weird with everything but its still good. I'm for sure eating it. I wish I had more than just a cup of pomegranate juice or I'd be able to have more juice. Until next time. Which will be some kind of blueberry/strawberry cake.

Friday, March 2, 2012

In the mind of a pole dancer

As you start pole dancing and slowly develop the addiction to the art you begin to have thoughts that non pole dancers don't have. The fallowing are the most common that come to my mind:

- That streetlight, that one there next to the road. I wonder if I can pole that?
- I hate these shorts. When I pole they go too far up my butt.
- How the hell did a bruise end up there? It never touched the pole.
- I hate this tank top, it doesn't stick to my body like it should.
- Hell no you can't barrow my 7 1/2 silver stilettos.
- Damn it, my ass isn't shaking right today.
- I'm not pointing my chest out enough.
- Damn it, I can't pole because I have lotion on.
- How can a pole dance to this song?
- OW! OW! OW! My thighs are burning.
- (While in the isle at the store) I wonder if this super hold hairspray will work better than this off brand?
- Do I have my hand up my butt enough for this move?
- I wonder if they have these with glitter.
- YAY! A new bruise.
- Wait, I need to refer to the Pole Dance Dictionary for this move.
- Crap, I wonder if Studio Veena has this move.
-YES! A new pole dance video is out.
- I found my new pole crush
- Cock my hip.

I know there are tones more but these are the ones in my head right now. Feel free to add anymore.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Breaking the blog's cherry

I wanted to start a blog on my adventures in pole dancing and being plus sized. I know I will never be the "traditional" sized pole dancer and I'm okay with that.

This is my to-do list, or my to accomplish list.
Get under 200lbs
Be able to do Studio Veen'a whole Beginner routine.
Be able to invert
Finish the Flat Belly Diet challenge

Get under 200lbs
I plan to accomplished this goal by manly putting my ass in gear. I know the basics of yoga so I plan to start doing it more. The same with pole. I have much to learn but I need to just take the time to practice. It's the only way to get where I want to be. 

Beginner routine
By the end of the year I want to be able to do it completely. It's a big goal but that's fine. I need something in the my that will make me finally finish something but then again, pole dancing is always changing which is probably one of the reasons why I like it.

I don't know if I'll be able to do it this year but that's okay, I can wait.

Flat Belly Diet
This will help me change my whole eating habits. If I can't change that then I can't change anything for myself.

This blog
It will be a mix of food journal, workout plans, and personal thoughts. More than likely I will post videos or pictures that are amazing to me but you never know. I wouldn't be surprised if rant were included in this blog.
I also don't know how much I will update but once again, we will see.