Sunday, September 16, 2012

Self Discovery is exhausting.

For the past couple of years I've been saying I'm on a journey to self discovery. I don't know about anyone else that has gone down this road, but I'm exhausted. I'm so tired of attempting to start things and then stop. I believe that's the type of person I am though, maybe I can plan things out and fallow through with them but I'm not a completely organized person that plans out their whole life, I'm more spontaneous than I thought.
I've always wanted to be confident. Even the prettiest women in the world are not 100% confident. But I realized that I am more confident than I ever have, even though I'm a size 16 and would love to go down another pant size or two. But I am a person that isn't the biggest fan of exercise. I know a lot about it and if you put in me a gym then I'd kick butt until you pulled me out of it but I don't have the motivation to run around my own block enough times a week to see a difference in my body.
I don't want to balloon and I don't want to always be the size I am. I know it will take a lot for me to change. Also, I don't want something horrible to happen to me and then I have to lose weight. I fear I will never lose the weight.
But I have a lot of fears, come on, I'm not fearless. I fear failure, I fear pain, shit I even fear the dark sometimes. I usually say I fear spiders or bugs but I just hate, dislike, them. I tend to me the one killing bugs instead of my boyfriend so I don't have a phobia. But I do fear failure, but who doesn't.
But on this rocky road, I think I have discovered who I am. To be honest I think I've known who I was from the beginning.


  1. I just wanted to say I admire you for sharing your journey with everyone. I can truly relate to you with things when it comes to finding yourself as well as inner struggles. I want to get into the pole as well (is how I found you :D)... But I dont really know how to start. Could you do a post giving tips on pole dancing? Keep up the progress it seems you have really blossomed since you have started this blog and know you have people here rooting and cheering you on no matter what.


  2. Same as Sarah, I have found you by my desire to pole dance. I just bought a pole and had some friends over and was jealous about how easily it was for them to just grab it and pull themselves up when I try the same and fall to the ground.

    I too struggle with divorced parents, depression, weight and education, changed majors so many times that I couldn't afford to go anymore and now am working minimum wage jobs to pay back the loans because I don't have the skills or confidence or inspiration to find the job of my dreams, mostly because I have no idea what it is.

    I hope you keep writing and find the inspiration you need to pursue your dreams, whatever they may be and know that you aren't alone and that with your writing you are inspiring others.