Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Fat Girl Sin: Pride

I have noticed in myself and some others, pole dancers or not, that once we have uncovered our confidence, we tend to be prideful. At some point we start to think of ourselves as above others. Some of us become cocky. It's just how it works.

Not all plus size girls develop pride when they begin to pole dance but they do confidence. I'm not going to attempt to link this development of pride and pole dancing. I'm just saying that the main thing I've noticed from plus size pole dancers is that they gain confidence. Anyone can gain pride when they gain confidence.

Below is my explanation for why plus size women go past that line of having confidence to becoming prideful.

I came to this realization the other day when I was getting my first evaluation at work. We've never had them before so it was new but I was wanting to know what my bosses thought of me. Well I was told that according to how I rated myself, I thought highly of myself. I didn't want to tell him that I filled out the paper 5 minutes before it was to be due and had to get another copy because I lost mine. Also in the process of getting this second piece of paper to fill out, they had no extra copies so I had to copy someone else's and mark out how they rated themselves and write mine in. My bosses didn't have a problem with that. As long as it was in on time. I never took the time to actually sit down and think.

But he also told me that in order to make myself look good, I put others down in the process. I thought about it for a minute. When I would tell him something, in my mind, I wasn't trying to put others down. I was just simply trying to tell him, "Well certain other people didn't do this when I did, so why are you talking to me about this issue when you need to talk to others about the issues they caused?"

I believe I felt attacked every time my bosses would bring something to my attention. So I went into the mode of protecting myself. There have been jobs, including my current one, that I've felt like I'm being walked on or being taken advantage. I've developed the titled of "Ol' Reliable." This title really pisses me off because they seem to think they can just put anything on me because I'll clean up everyone else's mess. Yeah, no. So when something came up, I protected myself.

But this made me think and view plus size women's reactions to things. We post all over Facebook about how plus size is better than skinny girls. We post that men prefer meat instead of bones, referring them to dogs. I've noticed that the plus size woman gain so much confidence it either comes off as smothering, pathetic, or both. I was hoping my confidence hadn't gone this far but as I was having the meeting with my boss, I realized, "awe shit, I had."

My theory is that we have hidden and downgraded ourselves our whole lives because we didn't have the confidence, or feel worthy, that now that we do, we go overboard. Deep inside we refuse to go back into that place and want to make sure everyone knows how amazing we really are. I'm not saying we should stop showing how amazing we are but we tend to overdue it.

This is not true for all women that have gained confidence but for some, they have taken it too far. I'm sure we have all seen or done this. It's hard to determine when we've gone too far until we either realize it ourselves, or have someone tell us. The ladder is what we don't want to happen. But I'm saying that, yes, be confident. Let everyone see how wonderful you are. Walk around feeling great and like anyone else. Don't feel like an outsider or that you're unattractive because you are to someone.

Me, personally, I like plus size. I don't want to have to kill myself exercising and counting my food. If I want ice cream, I don't want to hate myself for eating it. I've personally struggled with my weight since elementary school. I've dealt with eating disorders. I've binged until I've felt sick, I've starved myself until I couldn't take it anymore. I've even eaten so much and then barracked myself in the bathroom to throw it all up. I've killed myself with exercise until my whole body. I've done it, dealt with it. It is true that the only thing I have been able to do that makes me feeling amazing is to pole dance. For other's it can be running or ballet or other times of workouts. It's all up to the person to find what they like.

This video is a joke video. I like this girl because she has been a dancer and had to deal with being "the bigger stripper." This video just made me laugh and I thought it would be a cute thing to post here because the things she says are true. I've heard almost all of the quotes from one person or another.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Fat Girl Sins: Surrender

In the way I think, we never improve ourselves until we hit rock bottom. When we think we have, but we actually haven't, we will find any excuse not to improve ourselves. We truly have to hit rock bottom, hard, or else we will surrender the challenge.

The other day I got frustrated, I put on a pair of new, and cute, Hanes undies that have thick waist bands and are bikini style. I love these undies because they are wedgie free and when you have an ass like mine, it's like a gift from God. I love to work in them and have no issues but then it's bedtime. I lay in bed and feel the bands pressing into my sides. I get pissed and grab a pair of granny panties instead.

Since I've quit the gym, due to financial problems, I've felt like shit. I've also had the pain in my ankle and leg return just about every day. The other night, I was surfing On Demand and found the fitness section. I did two ten minute workouts that were okay but I wanted some yoga and found a yoga video for 25 minutes.

I'd taken some yoga classes back in February and enjoyed it but I hadn't remembered the moves so I thought I'd do a video. It was a beginners video and thought I'd be okay, I've done those moves before. In the process, I became angry. I couldn't hold my Downward Dog but for a few seconds, plank was out of the question, and I wont even talk about Dolphin pose. Certain other poses were also hard to do. I began watching the clock hoping minutes would turn into seconds. I was extremely frustrated from this twenty minute session that I had an attitude the rest of the day. Even though I finished out the lesson, I surrendered.

The next day I refused to do another yoga video and instead I went to Kickbox Cardio. I became frustrated during this too because I was so uncoordinated. In the process of learning to pole dance, I quickly discovered that just because something looks easy, it's really not. Once again, I surrendered. The next day I walked only half my usual amount and I refused to do anything else.

Then last night I felt like crap all over again. At 11 o'clock I peeled my butt off the sofa and turned on the Kickbox Cardio video. My coordination was better this time. I still became breathless and had to modify certain moves but I finished it and time flied by.

If we just keep doing it, and refuse to surrender, we can meet our goals and enjoy the ride. We have to take our time and develop the skills and this alternative lifestyle that seems to push us back as we try to step forward. Patience is a virtue, they say, and it's developed and mastered just like anything different we try.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Fat Girl Sins: Sloth

I've been thinking lately about sins. We have the seven deadly sins but in my eyes there are many other sins that we perform daily that we need to change in ourselves. I can admit that I have a little bit of all the sins and then some, so I'm going to talk about Sloth.
Last week I finished the semester and I have two weeks until I go back. I barely work, thanks to this lovely economy, and my chores have been done, mostly. Today, I spent my whole day being lazy. I woke up at 1 which I should stop because I need to get back to waking up at 10 or 11 because I felt better during the day when keeping to that schedule. Also I have times of insomnia and that makes things harder for me. In order to feel better during the day I get in bed about 11 or 12 and wake up at 10 or 11 but the past few days I haven't kept that schedule.
Then all day, literally all day except for bathroom and food breaks and taking the dog out, I sat on my sofa and played The Sims 2. Oh, there was one break when I turned on some music and poled my heart for about two songs. And it was a very sad day.
This is why I'm the size I am. I'm lazy. I'm trying to get out of this laziness that I have but it's hard. Like anything a over weight person tries, it's hard at first. But just because doesn't make it an excuse but we still live by that. When things get too hard, we stop. I'm not saying that every person that's overweight is because they are lazy but laziness does happen in many people that have weight problems.
I want to go out there everyday and walk my dog around the blog three times and a half times, 3 miles like I did when I was going to the gym. But I'm lazy. I don't want to, or I'll start and stop. I'm starting to see a challenge in my future. They say do something for thirty days to develop something new.
When I'm productive, I feel amazing and feel like my day was worth living. When I'm lazy, even for one day, I feel like shit. I don't want to risk developing an addiction to something but how can I think about that when I don't even get up to start?
I say a lot, I just don't want to do it. Mind over matter, please kick my ass.

Saturday, May 5, 2012


People say we need to leave some things to the imagination. But it seems that since I keep blogging, and revealing, that it's helped me. I haven opened up about two things that are serious issues I deal with on the daily. I believe that this is my form of therapy. Talking about it is one thing but how much can people listen? Well I can blog all day and whether people read it or not, it doesn't matter.

Opening up isn't for everyone but I think it is working for me. Tonight I want to talk about change. When Obama was campaigning he kept saying Change and that was what he wanted all of us to associate with him. Well that same year I was saying it was my year of change also. I didn't change much, at least not to the degree of what I wanted.

I will tell people I've had a mental breakdown. It may not be the usual type of breakdown that people see but to me it was a breakdown. It was the moment that made me look at myself and say, "I don't want to be like this anymore."

On my 23rd birthday, almost two years ago, I was in the car with my boyfriend and a former friend. We had just gotten back together in March and although we had decided to be together we still had issues. He was trying to play a joke and turned on a song about strippers and I freaked out. I started screaming, literally screaming at the top of my lungs. I horrified my friend and completely embarrassed my boyfriend. I humiliated myself more than anything.

That night I sat in bed awake and crying at my own humiliation. I never wanted to be one of those psycho girlfriends but I was. I turned into someone I didn't want to be. "How did I get to this?" "What did I turn into?"

But I've noticed with myself, I have to get to that point in order to change. After that night, it was like my jealousy triggers turned off. They still fire here and there but not like they did. I kind of developed a mentality that if my boyfriend was going to leave again, or worse, cheat, there was nothing I could do about it. Then this morning as I was watching The Client List, Jennifer Love Hewitt, who I secretly would love to have for a night or a week, was speaking about her husband in the show. She said, "It shows more about his character than mine." It's true. Men are going to leave a woman because they choose to and vice versa. There is nothing we can do about it. It's like going old, we can't stop it. We may be able to push it off, or prologue it, but it's gonna happen.

One of the reasons why I freaked out so bad was because of myself. I lacked so much confidence it was insane. I seen myself as the 500lb woman. I seen myself ugly, unwanted, and a waste of space. My addiction comes into play at this point but it was me. If we can't make ourselves happy then we can't make others happy.

So this lack of confidence and anger towards my boyfriend gave me a push. I started looking into pole dancing because I wanted to be able to dance better than strippers do and make him regret going to those clubs. My ultimate goal was to have him say, "Why did I waste all that money when I could of had my girl do it for free?" I'd probably make him go into the kitchen and make me a damn sandwich for once. But I'm thankful for what he did. I don't want to go though it again but I learned. I learned a lot from it and I gained a new obsession, a new addiction in the art of pole.

Change can be triggered by many things. I'm still going through my change and I don't see this journey ending anytime soon and I really don't want it to. I was to discover as I go and enjoy the ride.

I decided to talk about change tonight because I was changing around my room. Yes, that is what my inspiration was. My bedroom has been the same way for years and I've noticed myself decluttering my room like I am these feelings and issues in my life. Declutter, another therapy.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Shame Number Two

I said in one of my other blogs that I had done some horrible things, including lying. Along the path of finding myself, I knew this was one of the things I had to confront. I learned this early on. I'm not going to say it started here but I did do this. I'd lie about my mom leaving and saying instead that she had passed away. This is horrible, I know.

My father raised me not to lie, but I didn't listen. I lied my ass off. Even today I can still catch myself doing it and then that has penalties to it. But I ignore those just so I can get attention. My whole life has been about attention. I wanted more, more, more. This coming from a girl that wants to be famous for something. I know this need to have my name known is because I don't want to leave this life as just another person. I want to be known. I want to have done something beneficial to this world.

But I'm getting away from the topic. I've lied for so long to come off as interesting to others. I've always thought who I really was, wasn't good enough, so I lied. I lied about a lot of things.
This has caused a lot of issues in my life and the most recent, and most important, was the lies in my relationship. I don't appreciate my boyfriend like I should and I know it's because of selfish which is another blog. But I don't know many people, including myself, who would take someone back after they reveal all their lies. Three years into the relationship, I couldn't hold my lies and I knew that it wouldn't best if I didn't tell him. A relationship shouldn't have lies under the table, it needs to be out in the open. So that night I wrote a little, back when MySpace was popular, and admitted everything. I figured he would have left right then. But he didn't, he asked me questions about certain situations and I though everything was good. He said he was proud I told him and said I was strong for admitting it but it got to him. I don't blame him, it would have gotten to me to and it has.

So in spite and in a mind frame that he modified to, he went as close to cheating, meaning strippers. Now I'm gonna blow our whole relationship but lies on his end happened and then I felt the separation. So I went into the I don't give a f*ck mood. Our relationship was going down the drain and a few months after I admitted everything, we broke up. I was miserable and I know he was too so I told him to just leave. Even today if I think too much I'll cry. I'd never felt so heartbroken in my life. But thankfully after a few months apart and some serious thinking and my shitty one night stand and his stalker chick he was dating, we got back together.

But surprisingly, I'm pretty good at keeping up with who I told lies to, and what lies I did tell. Then after awhile, I started believing them myself. Anyone seeing me needing a shrink? Because I do.
This need to be interesting, has snowballed to a point that it has affected many things in my life and I believe that because I've told these lies and I've become I guess great at it, that it's why I get punished. I don't get opportunities that would make my life, or myself, better because of my lying. I'm not saying that I didn't get the job I wanted because I lied to the company or the boss. It's like I lied about something and then as a punishment from whatever God or whoever is up there, I didn't get what I wanted. Or because of the lies I've told throughout my life, it's the reason I'm in this "bullshit" situation that I'm in. Because of the lies I've told to my boyfriend, I got put in this horrible situation I'm in now, which I don't really want to talk about completely right now. It's not the worst but I wouldn't wish it on anymore. The people that deal with what I do, have amazing and I'm not made for it.

So today, now that I am not lying like I did, meaning I still catch myself doing it, I tend to embarrass myself. I'll say things that are actually true but I'll say them at the wrong moment or I'll never shut up and say things without thinking. In return, I get told I'm un-lady like. And this really makes me mad.

I've hidden myself for so long that now I'm saying what I'm thinking or saying something true and I'm bashed for it. I'm not 100% okay with myself but I am more confident then I used to be. So I'll tell people things about me that are true and I'll let my true personality show but I'm still learning when to do it. Because if I'm not paying attention then I'll embarrass myself which is something that I hate, for me there is nothing worse than embarrassing yourself, which is another thing I need to work on.

But today, I'm Emmy. I'm working on who I want to be and along this road I need to face what I don't want to and I have to do the hard work to finish the journey. I call this recreation a journey because it is one, full of hardship and happiness.