Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Fat Girl Sin: Pride

I have noticed in myself and some others, pole dancers or not, that once we have uncovered our confidence, we tend to be prideful. At some point we start to think of ourselves as above others. Some of us become cocky. It's just how it works.

Not all plus size girls develop pride when they begin to pole dance but they do confidence. I'm not going to attempt to link this development of pride and pole dancing. I'm just saying that the main thing I've noticed from plus size pole dancers is that they gain confidence. Anyone can gain pride when they gain confidence.

Below is my explanation for why plus size women go past that line of having confidence to becoming prideful.

I came to this realization the other day when I was getting my first evaluation at work. We've never had them before so it was new but I was wanting to know what my bosses thought of me. Well I was told that according to how I rated myself, I thought highly of myself. I didn't want to tell him that I filled out the paper 5 minutes before it was to be due and had to get another copy because I lost mine. Also in the process of getting this second piece of paper to fill out, they had no extra copies so I had to copy someone else's and mark out how they rated themselves and write mine in. My bosses didn't have a problem with that. As long as it was in on time. I never took the time to actually sit down and think.

But he also told me that in order to make myself look good, I put others down in the process. I thought about it for a minute. When I would tell him something, in my mind, I wasn't trying to put others down. I was just simply trying to tell him, "Well certain other people didn't do this when I did, so why are you talking to me about this issue when you need to talk to others about the issues they caused?"

I believe I felt attacked every time my bosses would bring something to my attention. So I went into the mode of protecting myself. There have been jobs, including my current one, that I've felt like I'm being walked on or being taken advantage. I've developed the titled of "Ol' Reliable." This title really pisses me off because they seem to think they can just put anything on me because I'll clean up everyone else's mess. Yeah, no. So when something came up, I protected myself.

But this made me think and view plus size women's reactions to things. We post all over Facebook about how plus size is better than skinny girls. We post that men prefer meat instead of bones, referring them to dogs. I've noticed that the plus size woman gain so much confidence it either comes off as smothering, pathetic, or both. I was hoping my confidence hadn't gone this far but as I was having the meeting with my boss, I realized, "awe shit, I had."

My theory is that we have hidden and downgraded ourselves our whole lives because we didn't have the confidence, or feel worthy, that now that we do, we go overboard. Deep inside we refuse to go back into that place and want to make sure everyone knows how amazing we really are. I'm not saying we should stop showing how amazing we are but we tend to overdue it.

This is not true for all women that have gained confidence but for some, they have taken it too far. I'm sure we have all seen or done this. It's hard to determine when we've gone too far until we either realize it ourselves, or have someone tell us. The ladder is what we don't want to happen. But I'm saying that, yes, be confident. Let everyone see how wonderful you are. Walk around feeling great and like anyone else. Don't feel like an outsider or that you're unattractive because you are to someone.

Me, personally, I like plus size. I don't want to have to kill myself exercising and counting my food. If I want ice cream, I don't want to hate myself for eating it. I've personally struggled with my weight since elementary school. I've dealt with eating disorders. I've binged until I've felt sick, I've starved myself until I couldn't take it anymore. I've even eaten so much and then barracked myself in the bathroom to throw it all up. I've killed myself with exercise until my whole body. I've done it, dealt with it. It is true that the only thing I have been able to do that makes me feeling amazing is to pole dance. For other's it can be running or ballet or other times of workouts. It's all up to the person to find what they like.

This video is a joke video. I like this girl because she has been a dancer and had to deal with being "the bigger stripper." This video just made me laugh and I thought it would be a cute thing to post here because the things she says are true. I've heard almost all of the quotes from one person or another.


1 comment:

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