Change

People say we need to leave some things to the imagination. But it seems that since I keep blogging, and revealing, that it's helped me. I haven opened up about two things that are serious issues I deal with on the daily. I believe that this is my form of therapy. Talking about it is one thing but how much can people listen? Well I can blog all day and whether people read it or not, it doesn't matter.

Opening up isn't for everyone but I think it is working for me. Tonight I want to talk about change. When Obama was campaigning he kept saying Change and that was what he wanted all of us to associate with him. Well that same year I was saying it was my year of change also. I didn't change much, at least not to the degree of what I wanted.

I will tell people I've had a mental breakdown. It may not be the usual type of breakdown that people see but to me it was a breakdown. It was the moment that made me look at myself and say, "I don't want to be like this anymore."

On my 23rd birthday, almost two years ago, I was in the car with my boyfriend and a former friend. We had just gotten back together in March and although we had decided to be together we still had issues. He was trying to play a joke and turned on a song about strippers and I freaked out. I started screaming, literally screaming at the top of my lungs. I horrified my friend and completely embarrassed my boyfriend. I humiliated myself more than anything.

That night I sat in bed awake and crying at my own humiliation. I never wanted to be one of those psycho girlfriends but I was. I turned into someone I didn't want to be. "How did I get to this?" "What did I turn into?"

But I've noticed with myself, I have to get to that point in order to change. After that night, it was like my jealousy triggers turned off. They still fire here and there but not like they did. I kind of developed a mentality that if my boyfriend was going to leave again, or worse, cheat, there was nothing I could do about it. Then this morning as I was watching The Client List, Jennifer Love Hewitt, who I secretly would love to have for a night or a week, was speaking about her husband in the show. She said, "It shows more about his character than mine." It's true. Men are going to leave a woman because they choose to and vice versa. There is nothing we can do about it. It's like going old, we can't stop it. We may be able to push it off, or prologue it, but it's gonna happen.

One of the reasons why I freaked out so bad was because of myself. I lacked so much confidence it was insane. I seen myself as the 500lb woman. I seen myself ugly, unwanted, and a waste of space. My addiction comes into play at this point but it was me. If we can't make ourselves happy then we can't make others happy.

So this lack of confidence and anger towards my boyfriend gave me a push. I started looking into pole dancing because I wanted to be able to dance better than strippers do and make him regret going to those clubs. My ultimate goal was to have him say, "Why did I waste all that money when I could of had my girl do it for free?" I'd probably make him go into the kitchen and make me a damn sandwich for once. But I'm thankful for what he did. I don't want to go though it again but I learned. I learned a lot from it and I gained a new obsession, a new addiction in the art of pole.

Change can be triggered by many things. I'm still going through my change and I don't see this journey ending anytime soon and I really don't want it to. I was to discover as I go and enjoy the ride.

I decided to talk about change tonight because I was changing around my room. Yes, that is what my inspiration was. My bedroom has been the same way for years and I've noticed myself decluttering my room like I am these feelings and issues in my life. Declutter, another therapy.