Fat Girl Sins: Surrender

In the way I think, we never improve ourselves until we hit rock bottom. When we think we have, but we actually haven't, we will find any excuse not to improve ourselves. We truly have to hit rock bottom, hard, or else we will surrender the challenge.

The other day I got frustrated, I put on a pair of new, and cute, Hanes undies that have thick waist bands and are bikini style. I love these undies because they are wedgie free and when you have an ass like mine, it's like a gift from God. I love to work in them and have no issues but then it's bedtime. I lay in bed and feel the bands pressing into my sides. I get pissed and grab a pair of granny panties instead.

Since I've quit the gym, due to financial problems, I've felt like shit. I've also had the pain in my ankle and leg return just about every day. The other night, I was surfing On Demand and found the fitness section. I did two ten minute workouts that were okay but I wanted some yoga and found a yoga video for 25 minutes.

I'd taken some yoga classes back in February and enjoyed it but I hadn't remembered the moves so I thought I'd do a video. It was a beginners video and thought I'd be okay, I've done those moves before. In the process, I became angry. I couldn't hold my Downward Dog but for a few seconds, plank was out of the question, and I wont even talk about Dolphin pose. Certain other poses were also hard to do. I began watching the clock hoping minutes would turn into seconds. I was extremely frustrated from this twenty minute session that I had an attitude the rest of the day. Even though I finished out the lesson, I surrendered.

The next day I refused to do another yoga video and instead I went to Kickbox Cardio. I became frustrated during this too because I was so uncoordinated. In the process of learning to pole dance, I quickly discovered that just because something looks easy, it's really not. Once again, I surrendered. The next day I walked only half my usual amount and I refused to do anything else.

Then last night I felt like crap all over again. At 11 o'clock I peeled my butt off the sofa and turned on the Kickbox Cardio video. My coordination was better this time. I still became breathless and had to modify certain moves but I finished it and time flied by.

If we just keep doing it, and refuse to surrender, we can meet our goals and enjoy the ride. We have to take our time and develop the skills and this alternative lifestyle that seems to push us back as we try to step forward. Patience is a virtue, they say, and it's developed and mastered just like anything different we try.

Fat Girl Sins: Sloth

I've been thinking lately about sins. We have the seven deadly sins but in my eyes there are many other sins that we perform daily that we need to change in ourselves. I can admit that I have a little bit of all the sins and then some, so I'm going to talk about Sloth.
Last week I finished the semester and I have two weeks until I go back. I barely work, thanks to this lovely economy, and my chores have been done, mostly. Today, I spent my whole day being lazy. I woke up at 1 which I should stop because I need to get back to waking up at 10 or 11 because I felt better during the day when keeping to that schedule. Also I have times of insomnia and that makes things harder for me. In order to feel better during the day I get in bed about 11 or 12 and wake up at 10 or 11 but the past few days I haven't kept that schedule.
Then all day, literally all day except for bathroom and food breaks and taking the dog out, I sat on my sofa and played The Sims 2. Oh, there was one break when I turned on some music and poled my heart for about two songs. And it was a very sad day.
This is why I'm the size I am. I'm lazy. I'm trying to get out of this laziness that I have but it's hard. Like anything a over weight person tries, it's hard at first. But just because doesn't make it an excuse but we still live by that. When things get too hard, we stop. I'm not saying that every person that's overweight is because they are lazy but laziness does happen in many people that have weight problems.
I want to go out there everyday and walk my dog around the blog three times and a half times, 3 miles like I did when I was going to the gym. But I'm lazy. I don't want to, or I'll start and stop. I'm starting to see a challenge in my future. They say do something for thirty days to develop something new.
When I'm productive, I feel amazing and feel like my day was worth living. When I'm lazy, even for one day, I feel like shit. I don't want to risk developing an addiction to something but how can I think about that when I don't even get up to start?
I say a lot, I just don't want to do it. Mind over matter, please kick my ass.

Change

People say we need to leave some things to the imagination. But it seems that since I keep blogging, and revealing, that it's helped me. I haven opened up about two things that are serious issues I deal with on the daily. I believe that this is my form of therapy. Talking about it is one thing but how much can people listen? Well I can blog all day and whether people read it or not, it doesn't matter.

Opening up isn't for everyone but I think it is working for me. Tonight I want to talk about change. When Obama was campaigning he kept saying Change and that was what he wanted all of us to associate with him. Well that same year I was saying it was my year of change also. I didn't change much, at least not to the degree of what I wanted.

I will tell people I've had a mental breakdown. It may not be the usual type of breakdown that people see but to me it was a breakdown. It was the moment that made me look at myself and say, "I don't want to be like this anymore."

On my 23rd birthday, almost two years ago, I was in the car with my boyfriend and a former friend. We had just gotten back together in March and although we had decided to be together we still had issues. He was trying to play a joke and turned on a song about strippers and I freaked out. I started screaming, literally screaming at the top of my lungs. I horrified my friend and completely embarrassed my boyfriend. I humiliated myself more than anything.

That night I sat in bed awake and crying at my own humiliation. I never wanted to be one of those psycho girlfriends but I was. I turned into someone I didn't want to be. "How did I get to this?" "What did I turn into?"

But I've noticed with myself, I have to get to that point in order to change. After that night, it was like my jealousy triggers turned off. They still fire here and there but not like they did. I kind of developed a mentality that if my boyfriend was going to leave again, or worse, cheat, there was nothing I could do about it. Then this morning as I was watching The Client List, Jennifer Love Hewitt, who I secretly would love to have for a night or a week, was speaking about her husband in the show. She said, "It shows more about his character than mine." It's true. Men are going to leave a woman because they choose to and vice versa. There is nothing we can do about it. It's like going old, we can't stop it. We may be able to push it off, or prologue it, but it's gonna happen.

One of the reasons why I freaked out so bad was because of myself. I lacked so much confidence it was insane. I seen myself as the 500lb woman. I seen myself ugly, unwanted, and a waste of space. My addiction comes into play at this point but it was me. If we can't make ourselves happy then we can't make others happy.

So this lack of confidence and anger towards my boyfriend gave me a push. I started looking into pole dancing because I wanted to be able to dance better than strippers do and make him regret going to those clubs. My ultimate goal was to have him say, "Why did I waste all that money when I could of had my girl do it for free?" I'd probably make him go into the kitchen and make me a damn sandwich for once. But I'm thankful for what he did. I don't want to go though it again but I learned. I learned a lot from it and I gained a new obsession, a new addiction in the art of pole.

Change can be triggered by many things. I'm still going through my change and I don't see this journey ending anytime soon and I really don't want it to. I was to discover as I go and enjoy the ride.

I decided to talk about change tonight because I was changing around my room. Yes, that is what my inspiration was. My bedroom has been the same way for years and I've noticed myself decluttering my room like I am these feelings and issues in my life. Declutter, another therapy.

I'm sorry to my shameful addiction

Recently I've gone through a rough patch which has made me lose everything from focus to hope in my life. Thus is why I have no updated. I didn't want to abandon this blog so quickly but I did and it wasn't meant to be.
This happens to me a lot. I will begin something and go into this new adventure head first but I quickly lose interest. It happens all the time, never fails. But it's one thing I'm trying to change.
I kept thinking that I needed to have this blog be completely about pole dancing, food, and my adventure in it. But I'll probably end up adding certain things that help me. Some posts will be a random ranting about what is going on my life but the next post could be able my obsession with food.
Lately I went into a deep depression. It doesn't happen often but when it does, I dive deep. When something doesn't happen as I want it or something throws me for a loop, then I get depressed. It's a need to have control and right now I feel as I don't have any control over my life.
I'm miserable at home, I'm miserable at work. I love to write but I'm so miserable I say so what? What's the point? I won't finish it. I'm only making myself give up before I have the possibility to get half way.
When I get deep into a depressing state I result back to my addiction. I may have never been addicted to drugs or alcohol but I was addicted to self-mutilation. This addiction plagued me from the age of 15-22. I started when a classmate told me about it. At first yes it was about attention but then it turned into an addiction. I'd buy razors to crack them open and save the blades under shampoo bottles, only mine because my dad or brother would never touch girly shampoo. Or the closest I came to my dad finding about was when he discovered all his razor blades gone from his toolbox. He's a machine so he had replacement blades for his retractable blades or razors to remove window tint. I thought no one knew but my brother discovered I was cutting and then the whole family knew. No, I never had an intervention. My boyfriend helped me stop.
Stopping somethings for a boy isn't always a bad thing. He told me he'd leave me for good if he discovered another cut on my body. I didn't want to be without him, I just got him back. After awhile of being cut free I started to see things about it. I made myself uglier by scaring myself. I still have that mindset where I think "oh it's not that bad. I never got near anything that could hurt me. I stayed away from my wrists. My blades were always new and clean. My wounds were cleaned after and taken care of with Neosporin. I did it safely." There is nothing safe about hurting yourself.
I'd always say there was no real reason why I started to cut myself but now I know exactly why. It's exactly why I gained so much weight in elementary school. My mom left. I didn't have her in my life anymore. I did some but it wasn't much. My parents, especially my dad had such bad blood between them that my dad always had an attitude and my mom felt uncomfortable and unwanted. I understand. I love my dad and thank him and my brother for raising me but I gained a lot of hatred toward my mother because of my father. I'll never tell him that. Maybe my life would have been different.
I never thought she left because of me. I knew her and my father were no longer getting along and I knew she had her affairs and she wasn't the biggest fan of men anymore. Sometimes it takes a long time to discover what really makes you happy.
When she left, I started eating. I gained weight. Then in seventh grade I was already in an 18. I was so ashamed so I stopped eating and went down to a 13/14. In high school with my first boyfriend, I went back up to 18.
I've discovered that I always put myself second although I'm always working on myself. I'll do anything to make others happy but I don't make myself happy. That turned into a whole new addiction with shopping but I smashed that quick.
My personality is addictive. I've done bad things in the short life I've had. Lied to make myself sound better. Stolen from strangers. Been a total bitch. I don't want to be that person.
I want to find that one thing that I'm perfect with. I'm a genius at. That one thing people will look at me and say oh yeah, she knows everything about that. This is what I love about pole dancing. Pole dancing is physical, confident gaining, sexy, and artistic. Now it's up to me to do this for myself, to make myself happy.