Shame Number Two

I said in one of my other blogs that I had done some horrible things, including lying. Along the path of finding myself, I knew this was one of the things I had to confront. I learned this early on. I'm not going to say it started here but I did do this. I'd lie about my mom leaving and saying instead that she had passed away. This is horrible, I know.

My father raised me not to lie, but I didn't listen. I lied my ass off. Even today I can still catch myself doing it and then that has penalties to it. But I ignore those just so I can get attention. My whole life has been about attention. I wanted more, more, more. This coming from a girl that wants to be famous for something. I know this need to have my name known is because I don't want to leave this life as just another person. I want to be known. I want to have done something beneficial to this world.

But I'm getting away from the topic. I've lied for so long to come off as interesting to others. I've always thought who I really was, wasn't good enough, so I lied. I lied about a lot of things.
This has caused a lot of issues in my life and the most recent, and most important, was the lies in my relationship. I don't appreciate my boyfriend like I should and I know it's because of selfish which is another blog. But I don't know many people, including myself, who would take someone back after they reveal all their lies. Three years into the relationship, I couldn't hold my lies and I knew that it wouldn't best if I didn't tell him. A relationship shouldn't have lies under the table, it needs to be out in the open. So that night I wrote a little, back when MySpace was popular, and admitted everything. I figured he would have left right then. But he didn't, he asked me questions about certain situations and I though everything was good. He said he was proud I told him and said I was strong for admitting it but it got to him. I don't blame him, it would have gotten to me to and it has.

So in spite and in a mind frame that he modified to, he went as close to cheating, meaning strippers. Now I'm gonna blow our whole relationship but lies on his end happened and then I felt the separation. So I went into the I don't give a f*ck mood. Our relationship was going down the drain and a few months after I admitted everything, we broke up. I was miserable and I know he was too so I told him to just leave. Even today if I think too much I'll cry. I'd never felt so heartbroken in my life. But thankfully after a few months apart and some serious thinking and my shitty one night stand and his stalker chick he was dating, we got back together.

But surprisingly, I'm pretty good at keeping up with who I told lies to, and what lies I did tell. Then after awhile, I started believing them myself. Anyone seeing me needing a shrink? Because I do.
This need to be interesting, has snowballed to a point that it has affected many things in my life and I believe that because I've told these lies and I've become I guess great at it, that it's why I get punished. I don't get opportunities that would make my life, or myself, better because of my lying. I'm not saying that I didn't get the job I wanted because I lied to the company or the boss. It's like I lied about something and then as a punishment from whatever God or whoever is up there, I didn't get what I wanted. Or because of the lies I've told throughout my life, it's the reason I'm in this "bullshit" situation that I'm in. Because of the lies I've told to my boyfriend, I got put in this horrible situation I'm in now, which I don't really want to talk about completely right now. It's not the worst but I wouldn't wish it on anymore. The people that deal with what I do, have amazing and I'm not made for it.

So today, now that I am not lying like I did, meaning I still catch myself doing it, I tend to embarrass myself. I'll say things that are actually true but I'll say them at the wrong moment or I'll never shut up and say things without thinking. In return, I get told I'm un-lady like. And this really makes me mad.

I've hidden myself for so long that now I'm saying what I'm thinking or saying something true and I'm bashed for it. I'm not 100% okay with myself but I am more confident then I used to be. So I'll tell people things about me that are true and I'll let my true personality show but I'm still learning when to do it. Because if I'm not paying attention then I'll embarrass myself which is something that I hate, for me there is nothing worse than embarrassing yourself, which is another thing I need to work on.

But today, I'm Emmy. I'm working on who I want to be and along this road I need to face what I don't want to and I have to do the hard work to finish the journey. I call this recreation a journey because it is one, full of hardship and happiness.